I may not have the courage of those who risk their lives out on the battlefield everyday...

I may not be courageous enough to perform open heart surgery, or dive off a cliff and into water...

But what I want to do is to embrace all the "bad" experiences to the best of my ability. Breakups, job loss, worrying about basic needs, being in a good social circle, career, family...

Sometimes people focus too much on something tangible. As much as it is important, you can't have one without the other. I guess what I mean is... some people regret certain things, because they want good experiences in their life. Some people like myself, regret a few decisions I've made... if only I had known it was a mistake, then I wouldn't have done it in the first place. But the thing is... as much as it is important to discern between making the correct judgements or not...

We wouldn't be ourselves if we didn't go through them. Sure we don't get anything tangible... but we get the value and life-experience of those things, which is irreplaceable. Even if there's a better way to go through it, sometimes we can't learn everything the "better way," lol. We're not perfect. We're human... the way we're supposed to be.

So don't fret, don't worry, don't do anything...

Just be yourself. I could be a little foolish in wanting to give up certain things for people... and if it works, then I wouldn't complain. And sometimes, it's okay to do that. Just like spending thousands of dollars on education. I'm sure that if it were some people, they'd want to keep those thousands of dollars...

But just know that life is about having balance. And I wouldn't mind "giving things up" for certain things... or people. Because to me, it wouldn't be "giving it up," at all. It would just be making changes. And that I can deal with. So please believe me when I say I can do that. Even if you go away, please accept my decision to follow you... because it's not giving anything up. It's switching gears. ;)

ehhh... although I'm starting to think I'm making a few different points in this journal entry, when the main point was to learn to accept things... LOL.

Gotta go. Journal later. Buh bye! :P

Sometimes people wonder why I`m so sensitive. My Mom really appreciated the fact that I was. My Dad... well... I don`t know what he thinks. And my sister thinks that in some ways... I`m not too sensitive to things, since I`ve been able to deal with the things that she is dealing with right now. But I`m still understanding of her situations... yet still tell her things that have happened to me. Like...

`` It`s nothing new. ``

That`s what happened to me last night.

So why did I cry?

Actually... part of me doesn`t know... yet part of me does know that I was a little bit offended in some way. Or at least... FELT a bit offended. It seems like I had misinterpreted what he had to say. As painful as I felt it was... I wanted to listen to it anyways... because I want to learn how to deal with it. I want to learn how this world works, even in my limited experience. I might not have the experiences of 100 people... 1 000 people... or even 100 000 people... but at least I`ve tried to embrace it all with such grace and integrity, even though I`m left in tears.

Does it hurt?

Of course it does. But I realize that it`s better to cry than not to cry at all.................... in my case, that is. ;P

Because it brings me to realizations... because I start seeing a little bit more clearly... because I want to learn, and never want to hurt those who I love, be it my parents, friends, or very important significant other... and I`m willing to deal with a lot for them. Depending on the situation.

Part of me wants to improve... to make myself better and stronger, and more open... that`s why in fact, I LIKE to wrestle (haha...) and have deep emotional dynamic discussions. But at the same time... because I love the people who are close to me, I want to understand them as much as possible... I want to do my best to learn. However... I don`t want to be difficult... yet, sometimes it has to be at least a little difficult in order for something to have meaning. People question my ability to deal with small things such as this, yet... I don`t see them as something small. I see it as an opportunity... an opportunity to get to know them, an opportunity to turn it into a good thing.

As much as I love them... I don`t do it for them alone...

Plus, I like to deal with things like this as soon as possible... I like taking myself apart and trying to do my best to deal with certain things. Sometimes I can be a bit stubborn, yet open at the same time...

And again, that`s how I`m such a paradox... a bit of a walking contradiction.

More to come later... I'll be editing this entry. :)

EDIT: One of the best sites ever! Take a look... http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

They post some funny, actual WRECKS in there from time to time... however they post nice cakes in there too. However what boggles my mind is how the cakes that were supposed to be `professional` certainly did not turn out that way...

Sometimes... it's a curse...

Yet sometimes... people think it's a blessing...

I remember... I would think back to the times where I was younger. All the mistakes I've made up to this point, learning from all of them, dealing with people, dealing with situations... and for some reason... as naive people say I am, I've only come to believe in things a little more. I've learned to have more faith, patience, and meekness...

I've learned to stand up for myself when I need to, and I've learned to do it in the right ways.

I've learned how to take the "bad" situations... and now that I look at it...

As "bad" or "unfortunate" or "tragic" as things were, they are memories. They are things that I look back on... and I kind of laugh about it now. I'm no longer bitter, I'm no longer frustrated... however I will reinforce the fact that there should be a bit more justice and fairness in this world. I will look back at things and not get angry...

However I will get mad and frustrated about the injustices that did happen. Yet... I'll smile about it.

I still remember talking to people about my boy situations I somehow had happening. I had no control over it... I would meet these guys purely by chance. We would get to know each other, have deep conversations, share some memories, yet... there were always things outside of my control. I used to question "why" all the time. What did I do? Why is this happening to me? It was so uncontrollable... I didn't know what to do.

Although I did. I used my head. I told people what I was going to do about it...

Graham said I had the right attitude... my Mom smiled and told me she was proud of me... my friends always cheered me on and told me that they hope for the best. Somehow... they were always on my side. And I tried my best to follow through with my actions, as hurt and as terrible as I felt inside. I wanted to be brave... to have courage.

"Do not overcome evil with evil, but overcome evil with good."

I think this is why people think I'm naive. However now I know my limitations. What I'm willing to do and sacrifice... all doing it willingly, with that same dumb smile on my face. Believing in the better... bigger... brighter...

Sometimes I don't have the experience that others have. I look at people around me and wonder why they're able to live such normal lives, despite what they go through. Sometimes I think that I'm falling behind... or that people may not respect me...

But then I re-affirm who I am... and start to believe in myself a bit more. I've realized that people can say what they want... as much as I could probably defend myself, and try to justify or be more opinionated... sometimes the best message cannot be conveyed in words. I can't MAKE people believe. I can't wave a magic wand and make it all better again. I can't turn into Sailor Moon (well... as much as I kind of want to ROFL) and whip out my scepter (yes yes... probably sexual innuendo #29034782493), have it shine and make all the bad things go away. Sometimes things take time to unfold... we can never tell the future, but we can make the decision to believe as much as we want to. And some people... don't make those decisions.

As much as things have happened to me... as much as I may not be as shiny as a new penny... have the hairstyle of a rock star, the body of a model, and the charisma of a politician or public speaker...

I want to believe. And surround myself with people who DO believe.

"Believe? Believe in what now?"

Believe that anything is possible...

And that's not to say,"I want to be a celebrity," try out for American/Canadian/Bulgarian (LOL) Idol and have fame come to you overnight. Sometimes that doesn't happen. I myself... went to school to study Massage Therapy... something I'd enjoy because I get to help get rid of pain. I remember working in the chiro office... and still going to clients' houses... that instant eradication of pain, or if I'd hear from them later, telling me that it's almost like they've become as light as a feather, they can actually move, the numbing is almost gone...

I thought it was great. As good as the job... was, it does take a bit of sacrifice from me. And I could deal with it. But now? Things have changed, and it's starting to affect my well-being...

We can't do everything. We'd be freaking God if we did. But to still believe and do things willingly... I think that is important. And as heartbreaking as it is when it doesn't work out... that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. In fact... it's a good thing! Look back at the experiences that you've taken away from it... look back at the things you're able to do, the things that you're able to learn now, and the things you've already learned...

And take it with you to the future. :) It's so easy to say that though... now what about doing it?

I've been doing it... only all my life? lol

The thing is... believing is child-like and it isn't at the same time.

It would be nice to live in a dream-world... where everything is good and that's all there is to it. But I don't think that would be a life at all. The dreams we have as children keep living within us, even as we grow older... however I think it's even more amplified because we don't grow into children... we grow into adults. People who are more capable, and are able to make things tangible. That's what I want to do...

Yes. Even if it happens to not "work out" in the end. But that's why we need to deal with things in our lives, so that it CAN work out... even if it's just one step at a time. :)

Believing... being young... being old...

I think that no matter what the age, it's the person that counts. The person who willingly believes... who doesn't put themselves in awkward situations, and has enough foresight and analysis to make the right decision for themselves and others... the person who has a strong will, doesn't give up, yet knows when to stop...

Who's to say that we should look up to old people?

Who's to say that we should smirk at young people?

Who's to say that older people have more knowledge? Less knowledge? That a certain decision is better? Or worse?

Actions speak louder than words. :)

... is happy to have friends who believe.

<3

...

...

... oh my GAWD! Do you know what it's time for?

1. What time did you get up this morning?
8:15

2. How do you like your steak?
Medium Rare... that is... if I choose to have steak. Which is kind of unlikely.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm... I honestly can't remember. I think it was Mall Cop? OH NO WAIT. It was Inglorious Bastards! Scared the crap out of me, but it was such a great movie. :)

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Naruto... although I prefer the japanese with english subtitles. English dubs rape my ears.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Somewhere peaceful, bright and warm...

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Fish and rice... yay for bottled spicy sardines.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Japanese, Korean, Thai, Vietnamese, German, Italian, Greek, Mexican, Indian, etc

8. What foods do you dislike?
Bittermelon... and oddly enough I don't like watermelons. Maybe it's because I haven't had a real sweet watermelon at all. Although for some reason I do like things watermelon-flavoured...

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
At home. :) Even IF I can't cook... LOL!

10. Favorite dressing?
Raspberry vinaigrette

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
'04 Honda Accord EX-L

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Things that make me look good... ;D

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Let's see... Asia, Europe, Australia, and Hawaii.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
I try to see things as half full, but sometimes it's half empty. So I think a bit of both.

15. Where would you want to retire?
I haven't thought about that yet. It's kind of a long ways off.

16. Favorite time of day?
Afternoon... especially warm afternoons... mmmmm... naps... *purr*

17. Where were you born?
Manilla, Philippines.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
... like... watersports? ;D LOL.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
I don't know.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
But... if they tag me... that makes me an "it!" Hahaha... jk. I don't know actually. I know Megan likes taking these quizzes...

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Anybody. :D

22. Bird watcher?
More like cloud watcher.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
A bit of a night owl... but I used to be a morning person.

24. Do you have any pets?
No... I used to have a cute hamster when I was a kid. I called him "Cuddles."

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I'm........................................... a little teapot?

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
............................... Sailor Moon. LOL

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Sneaking out of church to play grounders with the other kids.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Either... although some cats and dogs give me allergies. :(

29. Are you married?
I'm a little too young for that... don't know if that'll happen either.

30. Do you wear your seat belt?
Yes ma'am~

31. Been in a car accident?
Yep... been rear-ended and spun out of control even when I was only going 30 km/hr.

32. Any pet peeves?
When the internet is slow...

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
............... cheese? Feta cheese? There can never be too much cheese!

34. Favorite Flower?
Lily (most types), morning glory...

35. Favorite ice cream?
Lychee, ube, green tea, white chocolate raspberry, strawberry cheesecake...

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Thai Express... >_>

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
0 times.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
JL about the rehearsal tomorrow.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
... actually... I really DON'T want to max out my credit card. =/

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Does wanting to take a facebook picture the minute I wake up, spending nearly an hour in the bathroom taking it, and posting it on facebook considered spontaneous?

41. Like your job?
Yes but no. Not enough of it. >_> Plus drama in how it is organized in the legal system AND in other businesses really puts me off. Legal system = people don't believe you... businesses = bosses take advantage of you...

42. favorite veggie?
Asparagus, cauliflower, yam...

43. What was your favorite vacation?
I don't have a "favourite." Probably when my parents and I went to Banff this year. I got to actually relax-ish.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Um. Cassie and Vince... but not technically dinner.

45. What are you listening to right now?
The computer humming.

46. What is your favorite color?
White, orange, pink... lol

47. How many tattoos do you have?
None... just a stupid birthmark :(

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
Nobody

49. What's your favorite word?
Antidisestablishmentarianism. Because it's so long and it cancels itself out.

As painful as it is.

As hurtful as it is.

As much as I'm going to cry. As much as I might lock myself up from the rest of the world for a few days, be pessimistic, and call my friends to be there for me, and at least try to listen... like the good friends that they've always have.

I'm really not that strong.

I'm actually very weak.

But... the least I can do is hang in there. Do my best to shine. Believe in living life, cherishing people, and overcoming certain obstacles. They say that you hurt the people you care most about. Because somehow... in some way... later on, we show each other our "ugly sides." And as much as it's worrisome and hard to deal with, we're all still people. As long as we're accountable to everything in the end, then we don't have to worry.

I'll be fine. So don't worry.

Because of this.

... but we can try.

Okay, so I planned this journal entry to be an update for the many events that happened this past weekend... and I know I'm supposed to be getting back to some clients today, however I like writing and blogging... lol. I'll do that a bit later. ;)

I wanted to post lyrics from the Fruits Basket opening. I watched the series a couple of years ago... and... I don't know why I looked back at it, but with all of the things that's happened... I realized why. It's because even I too, can be strong. Despite whatever happens... as much as things may hurt...

And it was also to re-affirm myself. To let myself know that... it's okay to believe. It may not be the belief that you believe in... but I still believe in a bigger, brighter future... even though people may tell me,"fairytales don't exist," which is true to an extent. However... that's why it's important to know what we can do and what we can't... and be honest to each other about it, so that there isn't any bitterness or hate between people. Someone sent me a rude message, deleting me off of his facebook list... and I decided to reply to it. I wished him all the best, and apologized that I'm not able to do everything, and keep in touch with every single one of my friends as much as I'd like to... because life is life, and I'm trying. I told him that I genuinely believed in what he is doing... bringing a sense of community... not only with gay singles, but with everyone... and letting them know that it's okay to be themselves, and to believe in what they can do as people. To have faith in them...

He responded by apologizing.

Romans 12:20-21 says,"On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

I still believe in doing this... but there is drawing the line. We need to know what we can accomplish...

*falls asleep after talking to his bf on the phone* >_> yes... this is a delayed entry...

But at the same time... we can still believe. These are song lyrics from the anime "Fruits Basket." I can't find the opening in japanese with english subtitles, but this is what it translates to...

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down... LOL, not that I am right now! I just thought it would be kinda cool to blog about. :) Because this is exactly what I've been doing the last little while.

Go do things. Yeah, make sure people know that I'm okay and still myself. And then when I go back home, I get on Mafia Wars, Restaurant City, lurk around peoples' profile pages, comment on a few things, listen to music, watch Sailor Moon, Fruits Basket, put out a few more resumes...

Sometimes I fail to look what's going on around me. And then drift into a place where time seems to stop, but is actually going at an accelerated rate... and then I snap out of it and deal with reality, and then I go back into it again......... 

Maybe it's because things are slow, and I haven't found a job yet?

But then... I say to myself... I want to focus on these things............ yet sometimes I'm not able to do them.

...

BUT RESTAURANT CITY AND MAFIA WARS AND WATCHING SAILOR MOON IS SO FUN~

Pah. Sometimes living in that world can be nice, because it lets you forget about a few things for awhile. But then I realize...

I'm still a bit out of shape, living at home still... thinking and deciding and contemplating on what to do with my future.......................... if there is a future in the first place...

But then I think...

"Of course there's a future."

What is real to me?

My parents still somehow putting up with me... they are still there. My sister giving me a hug everyday from school... she's still there. Having random happy phone calls with Vince... somehow getting along as friends, and then having this future as being lovers, and going through life together not knowing what will happen... and as much as we do make mistakes, and as much as we're not perfect, we still live life anyways...................... or at least try to, at times. That is real to me.

Not the fake satisfaction created by food.

Or Mafia Wars.

Or Restaurant City.

Or watching others live...

This is MY reality. And I think it's time to live in the now instead...

I guess what I'm saying is that I think I've spent a little too much time worrying about the illusion rather than the reality. My relationship with Vince is a reality. As much as we've spent a lot of time together... the only reason why we were able to was because I just so happened to be free, and so did he. He's going through a few things that he needs to deal with, and he's doing a wonderful job of doing so. :)

And that's not to say I'm gonna leave Restaurant City... ROFL.

I'll just play it a bit less...

And live a little more... :)

• can you take the rest of this without deleting any questions or lying?

Most likely. :) I'll do my best!

• what is going on between you and the last person you kissed?

The last person I kissed on the cheek is my sister... and no drama is going on with her and I right now. She's just afraid of her room, which I've been sleeping in. And the person I last KISSED... well... eheheh... <3 a lot... sharing things... working as a team... being our best....

• what is the first letter of the one ex you wish you could have back?

Errr... no exes for me thanks!

• what was your worst mistake in your life?

I've made a lot of mistakes, I think. But the worst one would be not believing in myself... or others, for that matter.

• would you get back with your last ex if they asked you?

HAH. I already told him that once I'm taken, I'm taken.......... too bad for him.

• do you still talk to the person you last kissed?

Everyday! <3

• does anyone hate you?

I don't know. Probably very secretly. That's why I'm so afraid of opening up, because sometimes I'm afraid that people will get jealous or envious... or they might use me in some way, or other things. I honestly think that there are people that hate me... and I honestly don't know what for, since I haven't really done anything except for... uh, living? But I honestly feel sorry for them... and a little bitter at the same time, lol.

• ever been to a guy or girls house when no one was home?

Yes ma'am~

• if the last person you kissed said they was in love with you, what would you say?

... *hugs... kisses* I love you too. *smile-pout* :)

• name three thoughts you have at this exact moment?

HUH? 7 month? Ehhhhhhhhhhh? Anniversary? Really? Omgomgomgomgomg, I didn't know we've been together that long... and um... three thoughts, huh? Well... I guess that's one of them... xD; but I'm thinking I want to exercise today, send my resumes out, and do a bit of vocal practice before meeting up with my boyfriend today. ;)

• you are walking down the street with your boyfriend/girlfriend, where are you going?

Wherever our little hearts desire. ..................... which is most likely at his place, LOL. Or my place. But we have to drive to my place. I mean... eww!

• what is something you really want right now, be honest?

... I want to take a crap. LOL, KIDDING! Now that my itunes has switched to THIS song ("떨림 (feat. Girlfriends' Yuri)"-iM... although I nickname it the "babymakin' song" lol) it's more like a someONE... ;)

• three feelings at the moment?

A little incompetent, awake, and the feeling of trying to accept the fact that even though things are as they are right now... we can always work towards a brighter future... so I guess a bit determined? But uneasy about the future? Yet... loved...... lol, I must sound pretty weird... xP

• does anything hurt on your body?

Nopes.

• Who was the last person to disappoint you?

Ummmmmmmmmmm... oh right. Dad.

• who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Prince Vince ;)

• what are you listening to right now?

The other babymakin' song... "da eum nal (Seung-Ri solo)"-Big Bang

• have you ever punched a hole in the wall?

Yes ma'am... there was also that one time where I threw my backpack against the wall... and another time where I ripped the bathroom towel handle off the wall... >_________>;;; xP

• where were you at 2AM this morning?

In bed, having this really REALLY weird dream... huggling my pillow as always...

• where did you get the shirt you are wearing?

Old Navy... I use it as an inside shirt, lol.

• when was the last time you were told you were amazing?

I don't know about "amazing," but the phrase,"proud of everything you are," is forever ingrained in my mind... and my heart...

• could you go a day without eating?

To make sure I'm on budget... yup! I'm a pretty tough cookie that way... mmmm... cookies... ROFL

• what was the reason you got grounded for last?

For stomping around the house and getting mad... D:

• do you wish you never dated someone you dated?

To be honest... I sort of do wish I hadn't dated or seen some of them. But I realize in the end that I learned from it, and became a better person. As painful as it is, I don't want to stop living my life just because of the fact that something bad happened. If people are really my friends, and if people want to be my friends... they need to see that yes... all of that crap happened to me. And although I'm not rich, or cool, or that good-looking, or have this bachelors degree or anything like that............... I'm still a person. I'm still someone who thinks the best of people... who believes in what they can do, because they are so worth it... my real friends really don't have to do a thing. As long as we're all alive and well... that's what matters the most to me... as long as we're all still together in the end...

• have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a "C"?

Funny you should mention that... my first boyfriends' name started with a "C"!

• where is the furthest place you have traveled?

The Philippines. Errr... rather, I should say to Canada FROM the Philippines. I was only 3 though, so I don't remember much... I just remember getting a toy puzzle... running around the plane and being asked to sit down by my mom... and looking out the window and seeing all the clouds.

• how long does it take you to shower?

15 minutes~

• can you do splits?

Omg, I tried that once in elementary... accidentally. I slipped on something, somehow did a backflip in the air, and landed on the splits during recess... I didn't tell anyone, I just very carefully and very slowly... stayed by myself and walked back to class....

• how has the week been?

Alright I guess, but I'd really like it if people actually took a chance and just started HIRING PEOPLE! My GAWD, I swear... all of them are paranoid and don't know how to deal.

• does the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to you?

He means a lot to me................................................... and he's said he loves me... <3 and I love him too. ^_^

• are you slowly drifting away from someone?

Not that I know of... xP

• Who can you tell everything to?

Brittany, my Mom, Graham, Jenny, Livejournal, God, and of course... Prince Vince.

• did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?

Not that I know of... unless there's some random hidden camera in the elevator... xP

• when a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?

I'd hate letting them go................... but I'll get over it. I'll maybe think of sending them best wishes, or talking to them... but I'd let it go in the end. They deserve to be happy, right? And I need to be stronger. As for coming back... I'd be a little wary of them doing so...

• tell me about the shirt you are wearing?

It's light beige. From Old Navy. Purchased while I was still in high school... need I say more?

• Are you currently frustrated with a boy/girl?

Nope. :) All is well!

• how have you felt today?

Alright... just kind of sick, but getting back to same old same old. I need to get back to a couple of clients...

• is there any emotion you are trying to avoid right now?

Trying to avoid avoiding things... as much as I may feel not so great about not having a job, living on my own, saving up... I realized that sometimes we think that things are SUPPOSED to be this way or that way. We can certainly work towards it, but I think that it takes time, and we all need to be a bit more understanding and patient with each other.

• is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

It makes me giggle... xD

• how about baby?

Not all the time... but it also makes me giggle... xD

• who do you call when you are having a bad day?

Mom, Vince, Brittany... basically people who I can talk to.

• are you missing anyone at the moment?

Kind of... but not missing him at the same time 'cuz I know we'll see each other. :)

• what are you looking forward to most

Seeing him... xD

• when was the last time you hugged someone?

I hugged my sister last night. :)

• honestly, who was the last person you told you loved them?

Prince Vince... on the phone. :)

• did you have an exciting last weekend?

I had fun! :) Although a bit spoiled... lol.

• will this weekend be a good one?

I hope so... may be a busy one though.

• what do you think of love?

It should never EVER be taken for granted... I want to share it... keep it... cherish it... protect it... and know that I can at least try to show and let people that are close to me that they are in fact, very VERY much loved...

• where are the people you love right now?

Either sleeping in, out doing stuff, staying home listening to music... GAWD I hope he's not emo right now... >_> , at school, at work... etc.

• what color socks are you wearing?

None~

• did you have school today?

Nopes.

• what is the last thing you ate?

The last of the Chicken Adobo with rice. TAKE THAT! Wahahaha~ >=D

• who was the last person you hugged?

My sister.

• is today thursday?

No... but tomorrow is!

• look down, what do you see?

A plastic thing for my computer chair... and socks.

• do you play any sports?

Only for recreational purposes... but rarely.